Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize