I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
