I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
