I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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