there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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