hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
