I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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