if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
