No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
