We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
