If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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