if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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