WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
