john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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