just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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