gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
