He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
