you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize