Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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