Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
