What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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