I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
