I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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