my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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