BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
