I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
