So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
