Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I smell stomach acid.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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