can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
