I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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