Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
