If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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