I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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