Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
