mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I want her autograph on my taint
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
