listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
