my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize