Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He shit in the fireplace
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
