You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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