No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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