the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
