sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
