I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Watching her eat just hurts me
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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