you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
