I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
