The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize