from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You pole danced in your parka.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
