nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
