I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
