the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize