happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
