i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
