My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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