Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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