Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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