This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
