You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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