Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
