Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
