Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
