She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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