I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
