some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
