yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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