Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
sarcasm needs its own font
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
