JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
