Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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