I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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