I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
